The 2019 coronavirus disease (COVID-19) pandemic is presenting families around the world with unique challenges. Many families must make significant changes to the daily patterns, arrangements, and rhythms of their individual and family lives. The great task is to adapt in a way that meets all family members鈥 needs while recognizing that this is a work in progress.
鈥淔amily resilience, the capacity for a family to weather and even thrive during adversity, depends on a family鈥檚 ability to balance stability and flexibility in changing circumstances,鈥 says Andrew E. Roffman, CSW, clinical assistant professor in the Departments of and at 嘿嘿视频 and member of its Child Study Center. 鈥淭his work in progress calls for an attitude of 鈥榳e鈥檙e all in this together,鈥 and 鈥榣et鈥檚 do the best we can.鈥欌
This kind of togetherness is different from the average weekend or family vacation. 鈥淭he anxiety and uncertainty of the current situation add further stress to the changed dynamics families are having to cope with,鈥 Roffman says. Together with the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry鈥檚 WonderLab, Roffman offers guidance for families facing much more togetherness than they are typically used to.
Work on Your Parenting Relationship and Provide Constructive Dialogue
鈥淲hile this is an ongoing task for most families, it is especially important now,鈥 Roffman says. In these changing times, parents should anticipate that their relationship needs both attention and intention. 鈥淭he attention should be put toward the realities of the new circumstances and the need for parents to have constructive dialogue about how to adapt,鈥 he says.
Dialogue is a process in which both parties have the freedom to set out their thoughts, concerns, and ideas and have these listened to respectfully. 鈥淲hile the immediate goal of such a dialogue is to solve a problem, the more important goal is to strengthen the relationship,鈥 Roffman says. 鈥淲hen partners feel listened to, respected, and affirmed, they also feel loved and cared for鈥攖his creates a positive climate of trust and mutual support.鈥
Parents should schedule time to meet regularly鈥擱offman suggests at least once a week鈥攖o talk about parenting and family life. 鈥淭he regularity of these kinds of talks can reduce conflict because both parties can depend on having time to talk deliberately and intentionally about what is important,鈥 Roffman adds.
Parents can use this process to address such things as house rules, which may include using respectful language when speaking to one another, cooperating with household chores, or taking turns with shared household resources. 鈥淗ouse rules are somewhat like the mission statement of a company: if they are too general, they can seem meaningless; if they are too specific, they can begin to feel overbearing,鈥 Roffman says. 鈥淒iscussions of house rules can involve all family members, including fairly young children.鈥
Establish Routines and Structure
鈥淒aily routine and structure are essential with everyone at听home,鈥 Roffman says. 鈥淎nd parents should take the lead in this while inviting input and feedback from their kids.鈥
Helpful practices include having a schedule for each family member; having a brief morning meeting each day to go over everyone鈥檚 schedule and to review how yesterday鈥檚 went, with a focus on what went well and what needs improvement; and working out space arrangements for who does what, when, and where in the home, and how (such as with or without screen time).
鈥淭he more people involved and the smaller the living space, the more challenging this might become,鈥 Roffman says. 鈥淲hile structure is essential for the productive aspects of everyone鈥檚 lives, don鈥檛 forget to include breaks and fun.鈥
Address Sibling Issues and Conflicts
Sibling conflict can be challenging at the best of times鈥攊t is quite normal, but it can also have a negative effect on family life. 鈥淒uring these times, expect that your kids will have disagreements with one another,鈥 Roffman says. 鈥淭his may be understandably intensified by all the 鈥榯ogetherness鈥 as well as the greater potential for anxiety in the family.鈥
Parents should recognize that they may get pulled into sibling disagreements and that you may want to take sides for many reasons. However, taking sides should be avoided unless really necessary.
鈥淚nstead, consider a house rule that siblings are expected to resolve their disagreements maturely and independently,鈥 Roffman says. 鈥淭o foster this, give positive feedback when siblings successfully handle conflict themselves. For example, if your kids are able to work out a difference in terms of who gets to watch their favorite show, praise their actions and consider rewarding them.鈥 If siblings cannot resolve their differences in a mature way, consider having a consequence for everyone such as reduced screen time.
鈥淲hen parents are overinvolved, siblings do not take ownership of their relationships and can use sibling conflict as an attempt to garner parental attention,鈥 Roffman adds. 鈥淧arents can remind siblings of the expectation that they work things out and remove attention from their children鈥檚 disagreements.鈥
An important exception is when a child may have more challenges with behavioral control or has the potential to be dangerous to another child. 鈥淚n these situations, parents need to intervene, but should do so in a calm but firm way and refrain from shaming or blaming,鈥 Roffman says.
One model to try in situations that require intervention but are not dangerous is for the parent to attend first to the mistreated child, Roffman says. 鈥淭his withdraws attention from the other child who will then see their parent validating and soothing their sibling.鈥 Later, and in private, the parent can then address the behavior of the sibling who did the mistreating.
鈥淲hile it is sometimes said that extreme times call for extreme measures, these times call more of what we know works鈥攖he basic ingredients of parenting and family life: prevention, collaborative problem solving, constructive dialogue, and maintaining a positive emotional tone to family life,鈥 Roffman says.
The last ingredient does not mean that everyone should be sunny and positive all the time. 鈥淭hat would be unrealistic, especially now,鈥 Roffman adds. 鈥淲hat it does mean is that everyone鈥檚 feelings matter and can be taken seriously.鈥
Parents set the emotional tone for the family, which means they need to take good care of themselves and support each other. Single parents should draw on their support systems of relatives and friends.
鈥淔amily resilience, and the ability to weather and thrive in difficult times, means balancing the dual tasks of maintaining stability through schedules, rules, and structure, and adapting flexibly to the needs and demands of a changing set of circumstances,鈥 Roffman says.
Additional Resources for Parents
The Child Study Center hosts educational webinars throughout the year.听 In its recent webinar, Family Resilience and COVID-19, Roffman offers tasks to enhance family resilience during this challenging time and suggestions on how to best implement them. .
In addition, Roffman suggests the following books to help parents improve family resilience:
- Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley
- Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
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